Freedom

I have a small fear to post this writing.  Not because of the useless person I speak of (although no names are mentioned), but because I do not want someone to stumble upon my works and find it in their pathetic being to report me like a coward.  The last thing I need is that kind of adversity to stop me from earning my reward.  But, it sure is a shame to let this story go untold.  I thought perhaps another time when I was not at this place I could show my true feelings.  But, like my father always says, “You might as well say it as to think it.”  Well Dad, I agree and far be it for me to disobey the teachings of the most incredible man that has walked this planet.  So, here it is.  Realize that no one is forcing you to read this and I encourage you to stop now as it may be offensive.  If you know of whom I speak then you will either truly enjoy this story or find it pretty sad that someone can think this lowly of another human being.  Everything I say is true–even if my words are derogatory towards the bastard I speak of.  Anyway, if you so choose to do so, please enjoy as you read on!

Oustide I can look and see the dreary day that is coming to an end.  The sky is grey and every now and again you can see a snowflake make its way to the ground for what is its last ride.  People pass by bundled up, awaiting spring break to be here.  But for now, being stuck in this midwest town, the cold and windy day encircles the bodies of those clinging tight to a scarf, walking in close proximity to one another to feel the warmth.  Inside, I am baking.  But, I have a luxury those on the outside of my mind do not.  I know my thoughts.  My music plays lightly in the background while a fan that bounces around hot air interrupts the melody of music.  My mind has taken a turn to anger and I am trying everything in my power to control it.  You see, today was the day that cemented my freedom from this dreadful place.  

I have made amazing friends at the place I shall refer to as “Hitler’s Palace”.  Some I will take with me to the very grave.  They make me a better person.  Yet, when I find myself alone my thoughts sometimes turn to the hatred of an individual who, even without him recognizing it, has gotten his payback.  I am part of the ”terrible” program here, and it has been the worst two years of my life.  My reward will be rendered useless in just a few short years, yet something inside of me refuses to leave.  I want what is to be my first advanced “reward.”  The only problem is that, unlike alot of ”warriors” here, I have to earn it all on my own.  The person who is supposed to be my number one supporter refuses to give me a shred of help.  Everytime I go to him I hear the same BS response, “This is your baby.  I am not going to hold your hand.”  Well, I don’t want anyone to hold my hand, but I would’ve liked some advising and guidance.  Instead, I was thrown to the sharks and made to swim as fast as I can. 

A part of our ”training” here at Hilter’s Palace is a presentation once a year to the entire Palace.  The first time I spoke to the Palace (warriors and workers), I was attacked.  My ”number one supporter” was no-where to be found.  He had made an excuse and missed it.  A person who is supposed to be there for help if I am stumped on questions was at home pretending to work.  He knew we had nothing; a truth I had not yet recognized.  After being ripped apart by the workers, I was ready to quit.  But he showed up, conveniently just as I had finished, and gave me a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.  Discouraged, I talked to other people, warriors and workers from our Palace and other palaces, who gave me advice.   However, the person I was to lean on was rarely to be found.  I was discouraged and tempted to quit.  But I was afraid to.  He had struck a bit of fear in me.  This being a rarity, I did not know how to respond.  I had all but given up.  After a while, I was so far behind on my work that he called me into his office and threatened to stop me from “earning my reward and freedom.”  The nerve of this guy.  But, that kick in the pants was what I needed.  I got back on track, but our relationship was too far gone–at least in my eyes.  I knew my next move.  Use him for what I need and prove him wrong. 

In the mean time, we had a new edition to our group.  This young man was nice and promising.  Smart guy.  He was everything the number one supporter wanted: he was me with one added detail–he was in a relationship.  Now this may not make sense, but love is the number one thing that makes you respectable in the eyes of the number one supporter.  This is really where things became cruel.  But, I still managed.  I got what I needed from him and in just a few short weeks, I will be in the next stage of my life.

Just last ”training term” I was to give my second presentation.  Again, he was not there.  That was ok this time though.  I know more about my work than anyone on this ”site of palaces” does.  I would put my knowledge against the people who created this program that my reward is on.  Circumstances led to my presentation being cancelled.  I was kinda upset–ready to kick @$$ and take names this time.  But as I said, he wasn’t there anyway to see me achieve greatness while making sure he did not get any credit.  Let’s fast forward.  Enter my co-warrior’s presentation.  Guess who was there?  That’s right–the person who is supposed to be my number one supporter. 

Let’s take a minute to pause: I refrain from calling the number one supporter a man because in my eyes he has no idea what a man is.  He never was nor will he ever be one.

Now, our number one supporter actually runs the ”training sessions” we are supposed to present in, so he is supposed to be there.  But, there were numerous times he was not and made my co-warrior take over his duties.  Imagine, a warrior having to fill in for his number one supporter.  Pretty pathetic but a reality.  However, he made sure he was there this time.  When my co-warrior was through, the barrage of questions came.  He answered ok but he had support.  Everytime my co-warrior stumbled he was picked up by the person I refer to as the number one supporter.  While I was left to die on my presentations, the vultures in this palace ripping out my eyeballs and raping me as I screamed bloody murder, the co-warrior was taken in and given shelter–protected from the beasts that were dying to be unchained and feast.  This kind of unreasonable treatment has not gone unnoticed though.  People see the situation.  The only problem is that fellow warriors don’t have much of a say.  But their support and kind and sympathetic words and actions keep me going. 

I will not pretend that I am completely innocent in this.  However, I come from a family of strong, independent people.  We make things work.  Never give up.  Always bettering ourselves.  But, if you “shit” on us, it is over.  You only get one time to mess up.  Then it is over and we, I, will never let it happen again.  Oh there is room for forgiveness civility, but I remember what happened so that I can avoid the situation entirely and never allow it to rise up again.  I have created distance from the person who is supposed to be my number one supporter.  I wait for this thing to come to a head, but I tell you, that will be a grave mistake on his part.  I disgust myself with the ill feelings I have towards him.  But at the same time, I must thank him.  His lack of advising and uselessness as a human being has made me stronger, smarter, and more independent.  I can find what and who I need to help me all on my own.  I have become self-reliant.  I will not give him the credit that he made me this way, but his worthless actions as an advisor have sharpened my skills.  I will ”earn my reward and freedom” without his help–and I will make it known that I worked basically all on my own.  My satisfaction is in the fact that him and I have one thing in common; at the end of this semester, neither of us will be at Hitler’s Palace.  He is getting let go and I am earning my reward and freedom.