Lying

Most of you have no idea that I was born in Kentucky and lived there until I was about 13 years old.  Now, the funny thing is that I have no southern accent.  That happens when you get the mid-western twang engrained into your spirit.  Let me tell you, I cannot wait to get outta Ohio.  At any rate, you may not have guessed this, but living in Kentucky–there just isn’t much to do.  But, I did take along some good stories.  I’ll never forget this one:

When I was just about to leave Pikeville, I was pretty depressed.  I went out walking with my cousin three days before I was to move away.  We visited our favorite spot, an old train graveyard.  We would climb up in the old train cars and start little fires if it was cold, or just chill out there and talk about stuff–usually cooties and the factthat at that age I would rather kiss a dog on the nose than a girl on the cheek.  During this particular trip, we ran across something that was strange to both of us–something we had never seen before.  It was a huge hole.  I am not talking about big, I am talking about a monstrosity so deep that we could not see the bottom.  Not being that smart of a kid (and still not that smart of a young man) I thought it was probably that Grand Canyon I always read about on barnyard walls.  I picked up a rock and threw it down the hole but nothing happened.  We listened and never heard it hit the bottom.  Since we couldn’t see the bottom, that was all we had.  Chad, my cousin, picked up an even larger rock and tossed it down.  Listening…listening…listening…nothing!  What the hell was this thing?  After a few attempts with the same result, we found this massive railroad tye.  We figured why not.  Last shot.  It took both of us to carry it back to the bottomless pit.  With one gigantic heave (on the count of 3…wait wait…throw on three…or one, two, three then throw?  throw on three.  got it!), we tossed this thing down the hole.  Waiting…waiting…all of a sudden! Something happened we did not expect.  After a second or two, a goat came running by and just jumped down the hole.  We still never heard a thud or anything, but this was completely puzzling.  After a few glances back and forth between the hole and each other, we decided to walk away and just forget about it.  Let’s go to the pond and swim.  Ok.

We turned on our heels and headed away for the pond.  Just as we got over the small hill to jump the fence to the pond, we ran across an old codger I will never forget.  He was about 6 feet tall, gray hair, slight hunch, fake right eye, and slicked back gray hair.  He had tan skin, wore a short sleeve blue pocket t-shirt with the sleeves rolled up, faded blue jeans with the legs rolled slightly, and black shoes.  He was a good lookin’ gent–the kind you see working the garden.  Strong even though he had that hunch.  Anyway, he looked at my cousin and I, and I will never forget the conversation that ensued.

Man: Hey youins seen a goat round here?

Chad: Nope, we haven’t seen one, sir.

Lewis: Wait, that ain’t so.  We saw one a few minutes ago.  He ran right by us and jumped down that hole, he did, mister.

Man: Ran down a hole? 

Chad: That’s right, mister.  Just ran and jumped right down it!

Man: Where was this hole?

Lewis: Over yonder (thumbed over to the other side of the small hill).

Man: Strange.  Well, nope, anyway.  That one wouldn’t have been mine.  Mine couldn’t have gotten that far.  He was tied to a railroad tye…