Dating

One of this world’s biggest mysteries to me is dating.  I have watched movies and documentaries, read books, and talked to professionals and friends about why you should or should not date.  I have heard it all.  How to get a woman.  How to get a man.  How to lose a woman or man.  How to just get them in the sack.  How to make them yours forever.  Wine and dine them?  Be cocky and funny?  Play it cool?  Be straightforward and let them know what your intentions are right away?  That actually is a great question and the basis for my writing today. 

What is the intention and purpose of dating?  I don’t think dating even ever existed until recently.  Think about back when our grandparents were kids.  You ever hear about any of them dating multiple women?  Of course not.  You just heard of them courting a woman and then marrying them—girls busting out kids when they were still kids.  That just isn’t how it is nowadays.  We date plenty of girls and sleep around like crazy.  I just don’t know why.  What is the intention and purpose of dating?  I read this book called I Kissed Dating Goodbye.  It was really good.  It talked about not going out with a girl or a guy one on one so you wouldn’t be seen as a couple.  It talked about not going out to meet a girl/guy and liking them—just make friends with everyone you meet.  No intentions on meeting a person to hook up with, date, or even spend the rest of your life with.  Just let that latter part happen.  The guy who wrote it even wrote about never kissing anyone until he gets married.  Some of us may think it sounds crazy, but I think it sounds kind of noble and passionate.  This is a guy who is taking on an old school way of thinking (maybe to the extreme) and just doing his thing.  He was a Christian and devoted all of the time he could have been dating someone to his studies and to the Scriptures.  I think that if this works for you like it did for him, amazing and I support you 100%.  Then, on the flip side, there is the total opposite.  I’ve met people who thought it was their duty to have sex with every girl they have ever met.  I don’t know if this is such a good idea, but if it works for you, then well, you’re gonna be seen as a god in some people’s eyes, and a loser in others.  Either way, I won’t and don’t judge you.  It’s your lifestyle.  I just caution you that empty, meaningless make-out sessions, fondling, and sex lead to only creating more emptiness (in general).  So, either of the two ways of dating, or any in between, that you choose to live, just be careful. 

Anyway, what is the purpose of dating?  Why do people date?  Usually if you are attracted to someone, and you start dating right away, you find that you don’t really fit with each other—you aren’t compatible.  Also, most, if not all, people say that if you date a person that you were friends with first then that usually turns out to be the best relationships.  So, why would you meet someone and start dating them?  Shouldn’t you get to know them as friends, and then ask them out, and then marry them?  But with that comes so much confusion.  I think that no matter how well you know someone, once you start dating them it is a whole new ball game.  Also, some people change when you start dating them and if it is for the worse, who the heck wants to marry that person?  Then again, you marry someone because you love them.  If you truly love them, you love them unconditionally.  You are never jealous, hating, angry, but always supportive, trusting, truthful, and passionate.  Should you really be able to tell if someone loves you, and will love you in marriage, without dating or before you start dating? 

Man, as you can see I have no idea about dating.  I have dated lots of girls at certain points in my life.  At other points, I have sworn off women completely (not very fun or recommended in my opinion).  I just don’t get dating at all.  But I tell you what; I know who I would be dating right now if I had my choice.  And on thing I know for sure, this blog made no sense!  But since I spent so long writing it, you better believe it is going up and you are reading it.    

Indecisive

As I sit and stare outside at the grey sky, my mind starts drifting to the things that have been dwelling in my mind.  First, please do not think I write this to boast.  Rather, I write it to find a bit of comfort in the words I just can not say, but I can put down in black and white and actually have them mean something.  I have been accepted to two colleges of chiropractic medicine—one in Texas and one in Chicago.  I am going to weigh out some options in this blog, and I don’t expect it is going to be too exciting—or a good read.  First, Texas seems ideal.  Texas Chiropractic College (TCC) is awesome.  It is right outside of Houston.  The city and state is beautiful.  The school itself is top-notch.  It is the third oldest in the nation.  When it comes to the future of health care, this is the place.  At least that is what the ad says.  I believe it.  The location is beautiful.  Near the water, very hot weather, beautiful southern belles.  It sounds almost perfect.  Friends have all stressed how far away it, but how gorgeous it is and would be to visit.  I can imagine driving to the beach and flirting and swimming with a beautiful girl whose voice is layered thick in that country accent.  But there are some problems.  Who is to say I would meet anyone like that?  I hear Pasadena, TX stinks because of the oil refineries and everything else down there.  It gets so hot that the cement cracks and tarantulas crawl out of the ground like something out of a horror film.  A guy I know tells me that the blacktop roads will literally melt and your car will sink down into it.  Then, by evening it cools off and returns to normal, encasing your wheels in a casket of “pain-in-the-ass.”  You cannot move your car.  You have to wait until the next day when it heats up again, the tar expands, and you can drive away.  I have a lot to think about if I want to call
Texas my home for 4 years.

What about National University of Health Sciences (NUHS) outside of Chicago.  The school is the only one in the nation that requires a Bachelor’s degree to get in.  Other chiropractic schools just want you to complete certain pre-requisites.  NUHS is the top of the line school for this field.  Chicago is beautiful as well.  It is right on the lake and plenty of beach time is available as well.  I am far away enough from home to be completely on my own—but close enough to drive home if something should happen (Lord forbid).  The school is more affordable as well.  The city life is amazing.  Night clubs bars, amazing shopping areas, and beautiful downtown area.  The Windy City is a place I would love to live.  I have visited the campus and the city, and I must tell you, the girls do not have accents, but they have style and are gorgeous.  But, just like TCC, there are some problems.  It is not as glamorous as Texas, the girls are not southern belles, I won’t end up with a cool accent because I will be encased in the culture for 4 years, and the weather is the same in Chicago as it is here.  I would still be in the Midwest.  The only light is that after I am done I can move to where I want and start a life there.  Maybe it will be in Chicago.  Maybe I will end up in Texas, California, the Carolinas, or maybe even over seas.  I guess I just don’t know.  I have alot to think about if I want to call Chicago my home for the next 4 years.

I have been thinking about this for days now.  It eats away at my mind.  It is rather comforting to know that I am worthy of finally pursuing my dream; but the question becomes where?  There are positives and negatives to both schools and to both areas.  I could live in either one without any reservation.  Big city life or small country living?  Southern Belles or Cultured Beauties?  TCC or NUHS?  If any of you who are my friends, or enemies, would like to offer up a valid opinion, I would love to hear it.  Thanks for listening to me rant and rave and taking a trip into my indecisive mind.  Please, offer up all the comments possible.  Until next time…

Deposit

This post is for the guys.  Usually, my writing is so offensive that my blogs are only of interest and entertainment to men.  But women, if you would like to, enjoy this and feel free to comment.  If you are like me, then you love to poop.  The toilet is the throne of all thrones.  This is not some epiphany, but I love taking a good healthy shit to keep myself regular.  By no means do I usually ever talk about poop, but you know what, the bathroom is a magical place.  You can have alone time, go with a few friends (as long as you obey the rules) or hell; you can make a friend sometimes.  I try not to do that, but hey, it happens, right?  So, let us talk about the throne.

I am not interested in the urinal.  That is a quick deposit.  I am talking about the extended session.  If you are me, every bathroom trip that involves a number 2 is an extended session.  There is no, “I’ll be back in 5 minutes.”  No way man.  I’ll see you in about 20…at least.  I have time to read.  Speaking of which, everyone knows, even if they don’t admit it, the bathroom is a sanctuary.  Here we go.  The toilet serves the purpose as a comfortable seat, an area of rest, a thinking rest stop, and a comforter.  If you have to take a poop, the toilet says, “Hey.  Sit down.  Take a load off.”  If you drink too much, the toilet says, “It’s ok.  Tell me your problems.  I am cool.  Rest your head on the side and calm down.”  The only problem is that if you get that nasty flu that destroys your innards, then stuff comes from both ends.  Well, that’s ok, too.  The toilet has a best friend—the garbage can.  Take a seat, throw up, and shoot a dookie.  No one in the toilet world is offended. 

There are books that exist solely for those who like to take a poop and have something to do.  Does Uncle John’s bathroom reader ring a bell?  That book has three sections, short stories, medium stories, and extended reader.  They cover everyone.  What about the avid TV watchers or gamers?  You can’t put a TV in the bathroom.  Well, you can, but for some reason people don’t.  Guess what?  My house will have one.  Anyway, the original design of the bathroom was made for those people who don’t like to read but don’t wanna miss their programs or stop playing their game.  Don’t believe me?  Then explain why there are mirrors on the doors.  EXACTLY!  You walk in, open the door, and look through the mirror, down the hall, and right at the TV!  Gamers have gotten even cleverer; they created wireless remotes.  That laser bounces off a mirror—I know!  People who created the TV knew that.  Look at the remote.  It works by reflecting off of a mirror too. 

What about if you are on the phone and nature calls?  Want to talk to a friend while pooping?  No problem!  Cordless phones are for that.  Walk in, take a seat, continue your conversation—just keep quiet.  Of course now we have cell-phones, too.  That satellite reaches right into the bathroom and your fellow conversationalist is none the wiser.  Unless it echoes, then you have to lie.  “No, I don’t know why it is echoing.  Reception is bad.  I’ll call you back in a minute.”  More like 20. 

You know that there are pranks that involve pooping.  Not gross though.  But, here is my favorite.  Go to the bathroom and drop a large, nasty bomb.  The kind of poop that you know when you open that bathroom door, people’s eyes will burn and a national public health advisory will be in effect.  Don’t light a match.  Don’t fire up a candle.  Don’t spray the potpourri.  Instead, walk out, and say, “Hey honey!  Why did you leave your purse on the back of the toilet?”   She will walk in and flip out.  You can laugh your ass off, and then go sit down and finish watching that TV program you shouldn’t have missed in the first place if you would’ve left the door open and used the mirror like you should have been using it. 

Anyway, I could go on and on.  But I won’t.  I hope that everyone, from now on, is not embarrassed to go take a poop.  We all do it.  Some of us just do it more than others, louder than others, and worse than others.  But you know what; women if you are reading this, get to know me!  I am sure while we date, we will close the bathroom door and pretend nothing is going on.  When marriage comes a callin’ we both will walk into the invisible wall of the love.  Like I said, I could keep going, but, I think I am going to go say hi to my friend the toilet—and play Tetris on my cell phone.

Environment

 

 

A while back, a buddy of mine got into this pretty deep conversation. One of those heart-to-hearts that can’t be forced only developed naturally. After much discussion and debate we decided to agree to disagree.

The problem: What is the best video game environment to live in? Specifically, on the original Nintendo.

 After some deep thought I decided that my ideal NES game environment would be in Tecmo Super Bowl. I choose this game above all the others for a few simple reasons.

 

First of all, the simplicity of football in that world is great, eight plays; four running, four passing plays. Having only eight plays to remember would totally make my life a lot easier, no more of this 60 page playbook crap.

 

Secondly, if I were kicking field goals, which I would be, I would only have to worry about the line of the field not how hard I kick it. Just so long as my kick was straight, it was a guaranteed three points.

 

Thirdly, the badass cut scenes. Every time I score a touchdown, make a pick, sack the quarterback, I would get rewarded with a sweet close up cut scene with my cartoonly-huge muscles.

 

 

Lastly and most importantly, the Tecmo angle. Whenever I had the ball, so long as I ran at a 45 degree angle, towards the corner of the end zones, the opposing players would dive right past me. With this sort of ability I would be able to rush for 2000 yards and receive for 1500 yards every season.

I now ask you, our 5 readers, to give their best NES environment to live in.

AIDS

I was born under the name Allen Iverson Dominic. I was quite content living in my humble home with a very nice African host. She was very polite to people, always loving them long time. Anyway, my home was gorgeous.  She was 5′4” tall, slender, dark skinned, and warm.  I have just recently moved in.  I’ve been here two years now.  She was a newly made home.  I think the guy who hooked me up with this new home said she was thirteen years old.  That means she has a lot of years left in her.  We lived together in Africa.  If you have never been I say you must visit as soon as you get a chance.  It is pretty hot here, but the sites are gorgeous.                    

                                               

One day we did get a visitor, he was from America. He was a dirty old man, balding on top but with long gray hair around the edges of his head. I generally don’t mind being part of the action, but once this guy said something about a Cleveland Steamer, I was out. Thankfully, my host rejected and I decided I was quite ready for an adventure (I stole that from Bilbo Baggins). Well when things got under way, it was smooth sailing.  I was done packing long before the waves set sail.  I set out of my home and made it to the docking station.  The ship kept appearing, but would soon set off again.  So I had to time my boarding of the vessel just right.  At last my moment had come.  As the ship made its last docking at the port, it decided to stay for an extra few seconds.  It unloaded all of the passengers.  The problem is that these things never wait for the boarding of new passengers.  It is almost like they are here only to drop off the sea men on a few days leave, and then take off from port.  But, sometimes, if you are lucky, you can hitch a ride on the vessel.  If you are really lucky, you can ride the waves in and stay at a new home for awhile.  My new home happened to be a mobile home of sorts.  The next decade or so of my existence was amazing.  This, my friends, is where my story, and my adventures, begins…

Ten years later and no one calls me by my full name anymore, just a nickname. People have really started to take notice of me in
America. I gain more and more attention each day and I continue to grow each day. People in America are so friendly and willing to give me and my friends rides. I have a feeling that I can really become big in this country and that people will embrace me with open arms and open orifices.

It is a struggle to the top, believe you me. All these old guys think they are the best just because they have been around so long. Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia: psssh, they ain’t got shit on me! And herpes… don’t even get me started on herpes, gaaaross! I mean so what if he has Michael Vick? They made a movie about me, a little tale called “Philadelphia” starring Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington.    

Well, I guess I could stand around all day and boast, but this is a short story.  You have to believe me when I say I have had quite the lifespan.  I’ve spawned many new children in many new places, but I have my sites set on a few people in particular.  I recently hitched a ride on this fat chick named Monica.  I have never seen the White House, but I have seen the white spots on the dress.  She kept screaming Bill.  Well, I don’t know this guy yet, but Monica was nice enough to give a gift that keeps on giving—me!  Well, with that, you know my future plans.  I’ve been to the NFL, Hollywood, and now I am on my way to the White House.  I think my next stop will be in this new place I have heard about—the Hilton Hoe-tail.  

Casey and I decided to give a shout out to all of those people around the world during World AIDS day.  Also, this is our first (and seemingly very poor but hilarious) attempt at a combined short story.  Remember, if you found it offensive or you didn’t like it, no one told you to read this stuff.  Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as we did coming up with it and writing it!  Until next time loyal fans…or…fan…